Insomnia Fueled Update
Hello and welcome back to my endless musings that I guess you can call a blog :) This episode is brought to you by the inability to stay asleep for who knows what reason. You’d think after a long day at Disney, I’d be dead to the world. I thought so. Was excited for it even haha but here I am. Awake at 3:57am.
My impending infusion date creeping closer and closer on the calendar has been heavy on my mind lately as much as I try to redirect and not dwell and really bask in these goods days while I’m in them—It’s right there around the corner waiting to throw me into an endless pukey slumber. (For three - four days ish…not endless but I’m known for my dramatics so.)
These last few days have been SO good. I’ve laughed with my husband. My hands let me build legos. I snuck out and even was able to do a session for a sweet mom who’s last mini just wasn’t what her son wanted to do at the time. Most of my symptoms that came with the infusion have gone away for the most part aside from fatigue (ironic since I can’t sleep right now). The tiredness is insane. I am typically a little energizer bunny who can run and go and do all day long. I literally walk down the stairs in my house to get a drink and I’m ready for a nap these days. The other lingering symptom is sensitivity to cold. I can’t drink cold drinks fast or without a straw or else my mouth feels like it’s filled with glass. I can’t touch cold items or my hands burn. It’s the craziest thing.
These past 5 days have me hopeful that I can make it through this 4 month round of chemo cycles without my spirit breaking which day of my first infusion, I wasn’t so sure of. Having these moments of good and feeling somewhat normal are so fulfilling. They’ve even made me comfortable enough to consider opening up a mini date in July which wasn’t even a thought before. I know what everyone is thinking — take it easy, heal, don’t work. I hear you, i promise. I’m not going to overdo it or push myself too far. If anything, Cancer has given me the unwavering ability to set boundaries to protect myself and my peace and my wellbeing above anything else. It’s also made me chronically late which isn’t typically a character trait of mine but I digress. I hold the space for myself to rest, heal, and process.
All that being said-creating art for families to treasure is what I truly love to do. It’s my creative outlet and I think it will be good for my mental stability to have a day of minis and remind myself that my hands can work when they want to and they’re good for more than just getting poked and prodded by needles.
My kids have been in Arizona since Saturday and these last few good days with Adam have been everything and more. I feel like we’ve both been on auto pilot since my colonoscopy/soft launch diagnosis barely keeping our heads above water. We haven’t had the time to process together or really even look at each other for more than a split second without kids in between us in I don’t know how long. I’m so thankful for the break and the time to just BE with adam and try to level with where we are both at in this situation we are facing. I am a super selfish person and I was so consumed with the fact that I had cancer, I didn’t take time to understand that Adam is very much experiencing this and affected by this just as much as I am. I’m thankful for the conversations we are able to have and thankful for this time we get to spend together. But of course on the flip side of that as a mom—the guilt is REALLLLL. My poor kids were here for the infusion day and the bad days that followed. They were both so concerned and worried. I feel bad that they don’t get to be here for my good. In my rational head I know there’s more good days to come and that eventually once we are past this my good days won’t have an impending expiration date. I also know they’re having the time of their lives at mimi & nanas and don’t care that I’m awake and functioning haha but for some dumb reason, here I am still guilty. It’s fine, everything’s fine
Thank you to every one who takes the time to read these. Having this outlet is so nice during this time. Also as always, HUGE thank you to everyone contributing to the meal train. Not having to worry about dinner three days out of the week is a massive relief and I will never be able to fully express how grateful I am for everyone who volunteers their time or resources to help my little family. Until next time…