Bitchfest

I’ve tried to type an update so many times and I’ve not had anything really to say. This cycle was SO much harder than the last one and my symptoms lasted twice as long. Thankfully yesterday I woke up feeling ~normal~ … or as normal as possible right now. Last cycle I had a full week of good days which was so so nice. My next infusion date is already so close and I only just started bouncing back from the last one. I know my body is going to react different every time but I was hoping for just a few more good days than I got this time. I try to keep my blogs lighthearted and not as messy but life is messy and navigating life with cancer + chemotherapy is definitely messy. This past week and a half has been so hard mentally and physically. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I am so tired all the time. This cycle brought mouth sores, head sores, the most insane nerve pain I’ve ever felt in my life, and of course the cold sensitivity. The nerve pain is the weirdest thing. It came on during the bad days where I was just in bed for three days straight. All of a sudden my neck got super tight and blinding pain shot through me if I tried to move or use my neck at all. Heat didn’t help, medicine didn’t help, and at my check up my oncologist didn’t really help hahaha. Thankfully after about 12 hours it subsided and hasn’t returned yet. Another weird thing this cycle brought is tremors. My EYELIDS of all things were twitching non stop the first two days, then my legs started doing the same. Thankfully for these as well, as soon as the other symptoms started to lessen so did the tremors.

I don’t mean to complain and only be negative in this blog but I truly have very little good things to say about this cycle. Finding the head sores in the shower was the hardest part of all of this. I have been trying to spread my hair washing showers out as much as possible as to cut down on my hair loss. Wednesday morning I decided I was going to shower and wash my hair because I had a work event Thursday and wanted to look presentable after a week of being an actual goblin looking being in my bed lol. I started rubbing the shampoo into my scalp and it felt like it was on fire. After I rinsed, I ran my fingers through my hair and up and down my scalp and found head sores. I’m not sure how long they’ve been there because I try to do as little as possible to my hair between washes aside from some dry shampoo. I avoid brushing at all costs. After realizing they were there, I literally sobbed (ew, not me admitting I have emotions look away). Maybe it was “mirrorball” by Taylor Swift playing on my google home that we have in the bathroom, I’m sure that’s why haha. I think the fear of losing my hair is so present in my subconscious even though I try to push all those thoughts out of the forefront of my head. Having to face that reality headfirst in the shower was hard. Hopefully that’s not what the sores mean, I know that’s just a normal symptom to expect but it’s hard to not link the two together.

Whew, okay enough heaviness! This no medicine week hasn’t been as good as my first cycle as I’ve said above but there were small glimmers of good things of course. My cutie butt littles are home and the snuggles are the best. Them being so careful and always checking on me is the sweetest. I was able to do my monthly pop up photobooth at the Point yesterday and it was so nice to be out and working after this week. When I’m able to do what I enjoy, I almost forget about my little demon in my asshole which is nice. Working Kid’s Club yesterday was one of those moments and I’m thankful for any time I feel like I’m a normal 30 year old mom and not a cancer patient.