I think I’m finally ready to do this. My pop being gone still doesn’t even feel real but I think finally typing this out might give me a tiny bit of closure that I don’t know if I’ll ever get otherwise. I’m currently sitting in the Disneyland Starbucks waiting for my mini session and where else better to memorialize my pops than Disneyland.

I thought of him the whole drive here. Once he got “settled” in Mexico, we were supposed to come to Disneyland together. We were going to get reservations at the Plaza Inn for breakfast and then people watch and reminisce about our Disney World Vacation days. I was so excited for that day to finally come and now I have to grapple with the reality that I will never walk down Main Street with my pops again.

As many of you know, my pops lived for me for a bit before making his final move down to Mexico. This man was the most consistent thing in my life, had a huge part in raising me, and was really the only father figure I ever had. When I was little, I remember him always taking me fishing with him, my Uncle Bob, and my cousin Keith. Carting me around to endless Beauty Pageants. Taking me to McDonald’s for a happy meal when I didn’t like what my granny cooked even though everyone else told me no. Omg and who can forget the endless NASCAR races we’ve watched together.

He struggled with copd and kept getting collapsed lungs. They fixed that and he went about his life in Mexico until a few months ago. He drove in for me to take him to the hospital after having shingles and thinking his lung had collapsed again. They checked him out and said his lung was all good and sent him home. A few weeks later he drove back in because he was still in a good amount of pain. The doctor ran endless tests, did all the scans, and eventually told us his lung wasn’t collapsed and it was probably just residual nerve pain from shingles. This was Oct 20th. The morning of Nov 19th, I got multiple calls from him, Cleo, and messages saying he wanted to see me. I was in the middle of a long morning of minis but after getting the fourth call and seeing that message, I stepped aside and let my associate take over so I could see what was going on. I didn’t know the man I saw on the other side of the facetime. I had just seen him a month ago and he looked completely different. He couldn’t speak for very long periods but managed to tell me “you don’t know how much I love you” before turning his head away from me and handing the phone to Cleo. I spoke with her for a bit then returned to my minis and planned to call and check on him once I was finished. That was the last time I ever spoke to my pop. The next call I received from Cleo was a call to let me know he passed hours later. The next 36 hours after that is a blur. I kept reaching for my phone to call him, waiting for his name to pop up and tell me how the guy building his fence wasn’t worth shit and he could do a better job himself. These never came. It’s been a week now and he’s since been laid to rest in Mexico. I try not to go down the road of “I wish I would have done more, called more, said more” because I know that’s not productive but it’s hard to fight. He wanted to go to the Grand Canyon and we hoped to go this spring but now he will never make it.

I’m not even sure if this makes sense, flows, or is even worth reading. But if you get nothing else out of this—Please do all the things with the people you love while you can. Don’t wait until next spring, or when you’re settled, or have time. You never know when people are going to leave you and it’s so important to take advantage of the time you have. Book the photo sessions (with another photographer who hasn’t completely overbooked herself while her personal life implodes simultaneously) and take the trips while you can. You will be so glad you did.