Halfway There!
Long time, no update…
I’m finally half way through my chemo journey! I want to say I’m celebrating and joyful about it but there is very little joy going on at the moment. I am still stuck in my negative / down mindset unfortunately. I did so well keeping my head up and staying positive in the beginning but today I had a breakdown out of no where because I realized my next infusion is a week away. The time between cycles seem to be getting shorter and shorter and that’s probably due to my side effects sticking around a lot longer than they used to. I still, as of today, have what I call slime mouth. Which is essentially this disgusting slimey film that coats my entire mouth and doesn’t go away no matter what I do. It makes all my food taste disgusting. Even water taste like sewage. My hands are still weak and super sensitive to cold. I can’t walk through the market because the cold air makes my nose feel like it’s filled with ice sickles. I can’t walk around my home unless I’m wearing slippers because the cold floors (which aren’t even really cold because it’s summer in Southern California but I digress) legit feel like they’re burning my feet. Insanity. Don’t understand any of it.
I’m stuck in the stage of anger? Maybe. Anger and grief. I’m so angry that I’m 30 years old and having to deal with this. Thanks to the movie 13 going on 30 that I watched at least 100+ times in my adolescence…I was told the 30s were the prime of your life. For the first two months of my 30s this rang true. I was married to the love of my life, I have four beautiful kids, my dream career that I built myself from nothing was THRIVING fully, living in California where I see the ocean every time I drive into my neighborhood….what more could I have asked for. Then I feel like the ground fell from underneath my feet and I still haven’t gotten my footing back since. I’m Alice falling into the rabbit hole…when will I hit the bottom? I am so sad for the life I used to have and long to have it back. I want to be normal. I want to be able to have play dates and not have to plan them around treatment schedules and endless doctors appts. I want to have a conversation that isn’t about cancer, or chemo, or how I’m feeling. I want to be able to enjoy our last year in California and not be stuck in a chemo coma unable to make plans. I know I post all the fun disney trips and spa days I have during my good times on social media so this is probably a shock to anyone reading but what I don’t post are my last few days leading up to a cycle where I go full manic and legit don’t sleep for 36-48 hours because i don’t want to waste the time that I’m feeling good. Or when I just fall to the ground and weep the death of the life I used to know. Or when I take a drink of something room temperature and have to spit it out because my mouth feels like it filled with glass due to chemotherapy.
I know I typically keep these light and upbeat but cancer isn’t light. Cancer is a freaking bully that comes in and takes everything it can from you with no regard to anything or anyone. Chemotherapy is HARD on my body, my mental state, and my family. I don’t shine light on this part of what I’m going through often because it’s my burden to carry and I don’t want to bring anyone down all the time.
I am halfway through and have four more cycles left. This seems impossible to me right now and I don’t know how I’m going to endure four more but I just have to do it. There isn’t a how or me being brave or strong…it’s just what I have to do to survive and be able to see my kids grow up. Counting down the days until August 30th. I wish I could be put into a medically induced coma until then. I would welcome that with open arms at this point lol.
Okay, everyone in Corridor Flows coworking space probably think I’m a freak over here crying into my iPad keyboard so I need to cut this off. I appreciate every single person who takes the time to read these, who donates to my meal train, or physically brings meals to me and my family. I know I ghost and don’t always express gratitude but please know that this has helped carry me through and it means more to me than anything. Bill collectors don’t care that you have cancer and aren’t working like you used to. Neither do dishes or laundry or house work. I may not have an appetite ever anymore but my family does and you guys feeding them when I can’t is truly a blessing. Thank you thank you thank you.