57 hours of normalcy left
One weekend. Two days. That is all that stands between me and something I don’t think I have even fully processed is happening. The closer it gets the more anxious and ~scared~ I get. It’s strange and almost not societally accepted to admit you’re scared of something. It feels awkward and feels weak. As an older sister, I feel as though I always have to put on the brave face and not admit when I’m scared. (Google, play “Surface Pressure” from Encanto) I’ve tried to push the thoughts out as they come and try to enjoy these last few days before everything as I know it changes. The release of Harry’s House has definitely helped (sobbing to Matilda was needed, tbh. any reason to release emotions that isn’t the actual reason I’m wanting to cry haha).
Today we went downtown to try a coffee shop I’ve always wanted to try. The oat milk latte was unmatched and there was a comic book store next door that had a life size Spider-Man sitting outside the door so of course Max insisted we had to go in. Adam and I didn’t need to be convinced and inside we went. It was so nice having a normal morning as a family. Even in those moments of joy and peace when I’m enjoying my kids, Adam, and an amazing latte…the thoughts are all consuming. When is the next time I’ll feel up to trekking all the way to DTLA for an overpriced (but delicious) coffee? Will I have hair next time we go on a family coffee date? In the grand scheme of things, my life is way more important than my hair but as a girl who’s always had the longest, thickest hair…I’m dreading losing it. I will try to fully embrace it once it happens but for now I’m not happy about it haha
This afternoon we also had our last family session before the inevitable change in my appearance happens. I really wanted to document us as a family to have and treasure when I don’t look like myself. This blog is heavy focused on appearance and I understand how shallow and dumb it all sounds. I’m having a really hard time accepting that I will soon look like a cancer patient. Sure, a lot of people know I have cancer but I can go out in public like this morning and be with my family without it being completely obvious like it will be soon. Anyways-got off track-our amazing family photographer accommodated our last minute request at a session and we did it in our home. Although chaotic, it was beautiful and the photos are already so special to me. It meant the world that Natasha would come out and do this for us.
After the session, Adam and I spoke with Quinn about what is going on and what’s about to come. She is only 4, about to be 5 in July, so she doesn’t quite understand. We bought a few books to try and help us explain it to her. Telling your child that you are sick isn’t something that’s easy to do. To see the concern and confusion flash across her sweet face nearly tore me in two. As I read one of the books to her and explained that I had cancer and am about to get treatment to make that better but will also make me tired and sick a lot of the time, she kept rubbing my back, hugging into me, and rubbing my cheek. Her ability to empathize at the young age of (almost) 5 let me know that Adam and I are doing at least one thing right in how we raise them.
I’m not even sure the point of this blog. I was laying in bed playing Kirby and listening to Harry’s House while Quinn and Adam played Roblox together next to me and I couldn’t stop the swirl of thoughts. Typing everything out I think helps me process them and I’m actually super thankful for this space to do so.
I’ll link the books we read to Quinn below as well as our meal train link. Thank you to everyone for their continued support and encouragement. It truly means everything to me.